ANTIDEPRESSANTS

Submission by: Ruth Toynton

I never expected to be triggered so much as I was when going to uni. I was a mature student; a wife and mum. I was doing ok – well ok ish. Things felt a bit fuzzy sometimes but the smell of the classrooms and being placed in front of a computer and being expected to figure it out was terrifying.

Something inside began to stir as a stared at the screen.

Forgotten things, dark things.

Suddenly there were waves and waves of memories crashing. I’d be on a bus or at my desk drowning in my thoughts and gasping for air. They’d leave my soaked and shivering.

My teachers referred to me as a caged bird, at that time I had no idea what they meant by this but I’m pretty sure I caused them concern cos I stayed pretty silent.

I was used to making do and getting by. Looking back it feels like quite an elaborate self sabotage.

It felt like a good idea to go to the doctor. He prescribes me weight loss and on my 3rd attempt to get help, Mirtazapine.

Mirtazapine is a an anti depressants that actually ‘helps’ you put weight on. So my doctor is less than impressed when I return to him heavier after a month of being on the tablets.

It was an awkward consultation. The doc sighs deeply and rolls his eyes when I explain I’d like to prioritise my mental health and carry on with the tablets.

He then makes me promise to attend weight loss sessions which closes down after 4 months.

I don’t go back to the docs and carry on with the tablets and keep going to my lessons.

For the first time ever I soar and allow myself to float for a while and experienced weightlessness.

Miraculously I graduate.

I doesn’t feel real but I know it is. Everyone else can see it and it’s still there when I open my eyes.

In hindsight I probably gave the tablets to much credit but at the time they gave me stability when I needed it. They made my mind a safer place to be. I felt like I’d found a magic pill that unlocked everything.

I felt like if I stopped taking them everything I’d worked for and everything I’d built would disappear and take me with it.

I stayed loyal to the tablets for years after graduation.  I wanted to keep what I’d built. I didn’t trust my own wings I just needed a little bit more time to establish myself.

Needed to write more and release more perform more but along with this came exhaustion.

Something had to give.

I’m sat on the sofa in my house and I say to my husband ‘Do you think I should stop taking the Mirtazapine?’

He says Yeah.

He says ‘I knew you were struggling but it sometimes they take you away from us’.

So I called the doctor and we agree a plan. He warns me about withdrawal but thinks the symptoms shouldn’t be too bad as it’s quite a low dose I’ve and taking all these years.

He’s wrong. Of course he’s wrong.

My mind spirals, There’s constant fight or flight anxiety hypervigilance  broken sleep and heart palpitations.

Into  storm again.

Only this time I chose sanity.

I chose music and singing and exploring and community and feelings and rest and recovery.

I finally choose me.